Smile while you wait

Today it has been three weeks since our negative pregnancy test. It actually feels like it’s been longer. I guess the busyness of the end of term made time seem to go by so much faster.

This week we spoke to our doctor about our options moving forward. He told us what a part of me expected – he doesn’t suggest we carry on with treatment. After all our failed attempts, even after the ERA test, he believes that there must be a problem with my uterus that is so small that it can’t be picked up on any of his diagnostic tests. My personal journey with IVF is over.

He told us that we could always consider surrogacy and promised to keep in touch and put us at the top of the embryo donation list should we decide that that is the option for us.

Right now though, I really don’t know what I want to do. I feel like my mind is still foggy with grief. A part of me wants to make a decision now so that I will know what to focus on next, but I know that I can’t do that right now. I need to hear from God about what the next step is before I take it.

I have taken the advice of my friends who have told me to wait and do nothing right now. It really seems to be something that God wants me to do because I keep getting confirmation that we need to ‘just wait’.

A few years ago there was a sermon at church about times of waiting for God to answer prayers. One of the points that really stuck in my mind during that sermon was ‘Smile while you wait.’ The pastor explained how there will be many times in our lives when we are waiting for something from God – a new job, a spouse (or in our case, a baby) but you can’t put your life on hold. You need to enjoy the other aspects of your life while you are waiting for your prayer to be answered.

I am determined to smile while I wait. I’ve been in seasons of waiting before and even though it has been hard to be patient, I have grown through them and had some of the greatest moments of my life.

In the midst of waiting for my husband, God surrounded me with awesome friends who made my teenage years amazing and who are still there for me when I need them. In the midst of waiting for a new job, God created an opportunity for me to write for a Christian magazine. I loved it!

We have been waiting for a baby for nearly seven years. The other day I was thinking about how it seems like we have actually gone back to where we started with regards to options moving forward. But the truth is that we haven’t – we aren’t the same people who we were even two years ago when we started fertility treatment. We’re less selfish, we’re stronger and we’ve grown closer as a couple. The only thing that hasn’t changed is our determination to be parents.

The fertility treatment didn’t do all this – God did. He can use all circumstances, even the heartaches of IVF, to grow us. He has already done great things in our past waiting periods – He will do more great things in our future ones.

Reasons to smile

I’ve been on leave for a week and have used this time to think about how I can smile during this next season of waiting. Hubby and I decided that we are going to go away for a weekend to celebrate our ten year anniversary. Although finances are a bit tight right now (that surprise hysteroscopy before round 6 really cost us) we decided that we are going to spoil ourselves anyway and go to the hotel in the Drakensburg where we went on honeymoon. I am so excited!

This coming week will be my last one with my ‘big babies’, my Matrics. We’ve got a class party planned; I’ve compiled a mini yearbook for my one class and a memory video for my other class. Working on these projects and tapping into my creative side has been so much fun. I am going to miss my Matrics but I also know that it’s time for them to enter a new season of life.

It’s also only a few weeks before Christmas and I absolutely love the festive season! I’ve already started looking for ideas for our annual Christmas party with friends and have started shopping for gifts. I love searching for the best gift to match the person. We also have some friends and family coming down from overseas – friends before Christmas, and family after. These are all reasons to smile.

Farewell IVF

How am I feeling at the moment? Hopeful! Even though I have moments of fear, I mostly feel at peace.

I must admit that over the last few weeks I have missed being on fertility treatment. It has been weird not having a fixed medication routine. I’ve been trying to figure out how I could miss something so painful and uncomfortable. The answer – being on fertility treatment makes me feel like I’m contributing, like I’m taking action against our infertility.

But I’m learning more and more that I need to stop being a control freak. God is saying ‘Let Me handle this’ and I need to just do that. I know that right now all I can do is wait – and I choose to smile while I wait.